The Future is Looking FloodLight bright :) Patience. Persistence. Perseverance. Prayer.

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The one thing that I’ve learnt about my journey this year is that, it hurts. Life hurts and, when we cry, it feels like the darkest point in life, where everything doesn’t seem like it will be getting better anytime soon. And we sometimes feel like, no matter how much we pray, things aren’t going to work out. However, with this little revelation, I also discovered that, God takes his time in crafting and planning our dreams and that, what’s required from us, is four things. Patience. Persistence. Perseverance. Prayer.

This is how it all starts. I had so many plans for this year, and had so many great and awesome things that I had planned that i’d do (Planned everything last year already). But a spanner got thrown into the works and everything plummeted in different directions, and at some point, I started thinking to myself that maybe things, are doing to be dark for a while (And they were), but recently, things have started looking up.

I have the best support system ever. From my mom and dad, to my brothers, my sister, the kids (yes, even them) and lastly, my guy. They have been so instrumental in making sure that, I keep going, and allowing me to have my melt downs, which they’re always mopping up. They have been too awesome and I thank God daily for them.

I’ve finally found peace in terms of other aspects in my life and I’m excited to be starting a new chapter in my life. I’d love to mention it now, but for the sake of putting all my eggs in one basket, I won’t go there as of yet. But I’m super excited. I have so much to plan and I know that God will be with me every step of the way. I am truly grateful for everything that He’s done for me, and I regret every doubting Him, even if it was for one second.  He’s been through so much with me.

“Angi boni omunye olingana nawe, entlizweni yami, uya busa Jesu” A loose translation: I don’t see another who’s equal to You in my heart. You shine Jesus” #WelcomeToSouthAfrica

But yes, everything is looking good for once and I am very happy. It was my nephew’s 10th  birthday today, and when I called to ask what i should bring him, he acted as if I should know (he was veeery criptic. Kids these days) . So i’ve been on the internet all day trying to find potential gifts for them (You can’t buy one gift, doesn’t matter who’s birthday it is.) But yes, I’m looking forward to playing Aunty Clause next week, when I go home for a week.

Other than that, this is me, signing out.

 

Loving you always, and stay blessed.

xoxo

Beep.Beep.Boop. Guess who’s back? Back again! Hello World…and all you Gorgeous people!

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I have not visited this sacred place of mine in what feels like ages, and I can safely say that, I’ve been working hard throughout everything, trying to balance, life, school, work, love and everything else in between, and of course, the occasional uphill battle.

Other than all the above, life has been pretty awesome! I’ve been having a lot of fun at school, even with the work, although sometimes, it may feel like I’m drawing (just a tiny bit though). The home front on the other hand, let’s rather focus on positive things like moving out and next year. I am so excited for this year to end, so that I can do more, plan more, live more and get diamond sparkly items made only for the left hand and the second finger from the left! LOL! I am loving my life. I love how spontaneous I’ve become. I love the people who I’ve chosen to associate myself with (Lomzi- The best facet of my life).

Everything is so good, so much so that, my sissy and I are the besets of buds and we’re partners in almost everything (except if mom is going to kill us both when she finds out, or if its dangerous, then you can safely just count me out). I never thought I’d say this, but the communication lines between Sissy and I are getting there, slowly but surely, and now what I’m working on is, getting her to let mom into her life as well, because, I’ve come to realise that, despite the fact that you’re parents may not always approve of the choices you make in life, they are the best place to go to first before making any major decisions that you might just live to forget (I’m getting so old. Profound words right here).

I love spending time with the family. When I went home for spring break, I wished that it could be longer, because I was enjoying the fact that, I was at home at the same time that my sister was at home, which is something rather rare nowadays and, it was just so much  fun, having both mom and her there, and being able to talk about everything without anyone feeling like they couldn’t share.

And you know, it’s always heart-wrenching when I have to go back to my own place (A number of reasons that I’d rather not mention for sake of being taken out of context). But yes, in a nutshell everything is awesome. I’ll be uploading pictures soon, but all I can say is, despite the tough times, getting sick and just general life punches, everything has been awesome. I’ve lost friends this year (they disowned me rather) and I’ve come to make new friends and become closer to the ones that we’re already in my life (despite others deciding to severe the connection, but anyway…). Positive things. I’m trying to write again, but it’s so hard.

I’ve been doing so much, planning and organising a lot that, I rarely have time for social gatherings of any kind, but I’m rather pleased to announce that, I am developing a product together with a close friend of mine, and I am very excited about it. It is going to change lives. I’ll keep you guys in the loop about everything that’s happening. I’m thinking of starting a VLOG as well, mainly fashion based, but that’s another thing in the pipeline. For now, it’s about building the brand.

There’s also the big move, the weddings, the road trip, so much happening, so little time, but God-willingly , I will get to everything on time and still have a bit of time to rest.

I’d love to chat some more, but I just thought I’d holler and see how the people on the other sides of the continent were doing. It feels awesome to be back, but the books are calling me.  I have an economics test tomorrow night.

Loving you always,

S*

When it hurts this much, I wish God would show Himself

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There’s so much going through my mind right now, but my heart won’t let me write it all. I just wish I could wake up and this nightmare would be over. When it hurts this much, I wish God would come down and show Himself.

I keep telling myself that, there’s no reason for me to crumble, because there’s someone out there who has it worse, and for five minutes, I forget, but whenever, I’m sitting alone, or if I’m walking on campus alone, it all comes rushing back and I always, almost breakdown into a waterfall of tears, but then again, people won’t understand.

Funny enough, I hate feeling so emotional, because, it feels like a sign of weakness. And you know, people always see this strong person, who alway manages to keep it together, but like so many Facebook posts have mentioned, nothing hides pain better than a smile, and I unfortunately, am a master at that. I’m even afraid of praying these days, because, i just feel like He won’t hear me. At this present moment, a whole lot of things are tugging at my heart, not to mention the fact that, I’m down to five friends. Life is so dark at the moment. And right now, I don’t see the light at the end of the  tunnel.

I guess, I just don’t know anymore. It’s even so difficult to eat these days because I just don’t see the point anymore. But all I know is that, it hurts like no one’s business. As much as I love talking to Binga about such things, I can’t help but feel like it gets a little too much.  It’s gotten so bad that, I can’t even manage to finish a journal entry anymore. I’ve attempted three times but, i just never seem to finish.

Its so hard to focus on the positive things in my life these days, because all the negativity just overshadows everything else. Its just so hard. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with emotion so much so that, I run of breath, and it feels like my heart will just explode out of my chest. Its an internal pain, but feels so physical.

Lord, help!

 

This is where I draw the line!

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It is official! I am sick and tired of trying to be everything to everyone, as if I don’t have my own life that’s clearly full of ups and downs. Some of my friends expect me to jump everytime I’m expected to do something for them, yet, when I need them the most, they’re never there.

This had led me to come to a conclusion that, maybe, my life wasn’t meant to have certain people in it, especially if it means that I’m being used as the ‘back-up plan’ should all else fail with all their other friends. This is me being honest now, I’m tired. I came to varsity for the sole purpose of getting an education, and JUST maybe, JUST maybe, meeting new people and also perhaps meeting my prospective husband (haha :) ), but at the same time, I refuse to be subjected to such abuse by those very same people that call themselves my friends.

Late;y, I’ve come to enjoy my own company. I love my own space, doing all the little things that I love, and just dreaming, and lately, I’ve come to realise just how I’M NOT SUPERWOMAN! This semester is going to be all about listening to my body, because honestly speaking, it gets tired too.

But other than  all of that, it’s time to move on. There’s really no two ways to look at it. It’s time to move on with life, and I mean all aspects. There’s no time to have a past haunting you; that’s why it’s even called a past, so that it can stay in the back of your mind, and so that you can learn from it, but anyway, moving on to more positive things.

I was working at a child development centre this past weekend, and these experiences are always bitter-sweet for me. I met this little girl, with the saddest eyes i’d ever seen, and all I wanted to do was to cup her face in the palm of my hands and tell her that it would be ok. I wanted to give that little girl, all the warmth and love that I could possibly give her, just to remove the sadness in her eyes. The loneliness in her eyes, broke my heart instantly. I almsot broke down in front of that little girl. I desperately wanted to take whatever pain the world had caused her little heart, away. She’s only five.

Just thinking about her, manages to bring tears to my eyes, because, I feel that, no child should ever have to go through something like that at such a young age, and it made me think of Mine. I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be home right now. I just want to go home.

All Sorts of Exciting and Exhausting.

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Life has been all sorts of exciting, and exhausting at the same time. I have so much to share.

The elections in South Africa took place on Wednesday May, 7th, and there’s been such a lot excitement in that regard, because a lot of young people were going to be voting fro the first time. I won’t lie, I was excited too, and was so looking forward to the whole experience, that I was one of the very first people at the voting station.

A friend of mine, Vuyo and I decided to walk to the voting station together, because it wasn’t far from where we live. We had to separate though, because people were voting in different venues.

After, I’d voted, I felt so liberated, because, it was my first time voting. It felt so go because I’d taken responsibility for my future and voted. But yes, other than that, I’ve been dreaming about CuppaTea quite a lot. This one time, I dreamt about him, and then when I got to campus the following morning, he said hi to me and was so warm towards me. I was shocked. I dreamt about him a second time, but avoided him on campus the following day.

The stars haven’t mentioned anything about him or anything related to him, but I guess, forgiveness is on the way. But yes, time will tell.

I’d love to write about everything else that’s happening in life right now, but time is not allowing m e to do that. I have a test coming up tomorrow.

 

Loving you always,

S*

The Assignment from HELL!

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I don’t even know where to begin. I am so emotional, and you’d think that it’s over something sad, but in any case, it is sad. I have had the worst two weeks ever (I don’t want to say my life. It’s still a long life). And it’s all because of an assignment.

About two months ago, we were given an assignment on the adoption of environmental management systems within small and medium-sized businesses in the Eastern and Western Cape. As interesting as the assignment topic sounds, the bummer in all of this was that, it was a group assignment. Nonetheless,  I was looking forward to meeting new people and making new friends (it’s not the case right now!) and I was thinking to myself that this could be quite cool, but NO, it was HORRIBLE!

I won’t speak badly about the group members, but I won’t paint them as saints either. They made this the worst two weeks of my life. I was the group leader, so this meant that, it was extra effort on my part, which I didn’t mind, but no, it ended up being ‘MY’ assignment.

That whole expression that says: “There is no ‘I’ in TEAM? HA! What I have experienced is beyond words. I cried because of that assignment. I was supposed to have handed in yesterday, and had completed the assignment and everything, but, as I was about to leave the house to go print, the assignment was gone.  I could not believe it.  I hadn’t been sleeping because of that assignment, and now, all my handwork was gone. I don’t  want to lie, I felt God leave my life at the moment. I couldn’t understand. He had seen how I struggled with that assignment, how it stressed me out, and helped me get through all of that, but still, how could HE allow such a thing to happen.

At some point, I felt like it was a lesson, and usually, I understand why He teaches me some of the lessons that He does, but what happened yesterday, I just wasn’t going to be understanding about it. There was nothing left to do, except start over, which is what I did. I had 3/4 of my original assignment left, which at least meant that i wouldn’t have to start over.

I did the assignment AGAIN. Heart broken and everything, I had to put my pride aside and get on with it. I worked on it during the night, but decide to get some sleep, because I hadn’t slept the night before because of the assignment.

To cut a long story short, I eventually finished the assignment, but as I was about to print, I realised that, the page with my sources, disappeared. Once again! But i wasn’t going to let that get me down. I persevered  and handed in the assignment. I’m a little heart broken about the fact that I didn’t have a source page for the assignment because it means that, whatever I’ve written in that assignment, it can’t be substantiated.

I am just happy to have handed in. A part of me feels like cry ing though. But that’s something for another day. I’d love to go to me Economics class, but the way my body is screaming right now, I’m guessing, I should rather go home, switch off my phone and sleep, because in any case, I’m going to have to work through the long weekend to catch up for all the lectures that I’ve missed and some of the practical work that I need to get done.

Other than that, let me be gone.

Loving you always,

 

S*

Inspiration. Blessed miracles. #Graduation

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God has been so good to me, and you know as human beings, sometimes we don’t seem to understand, or truly appreciate just how much God loves us.

It’s been a hectic period for me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before (or at least I don’t remember mentioning it), but I had a mild stroke about a month ago, and the doctor said that it had happened due to the high levels of stress that  I was under, and that I should try to relax more, which is completely impossible when you have deadlines to attend to, not to mention the amount of studying involved.

This was an awfully terrible time for me, because, on the day of the stroke, I was supposed to have written two tests on that day, but i couldn’t because I was feeling funny. And I had prayed so hard to God at that moment, that you know what, if my life is ending right now, let mine know that I loved him. Let my heart know that he was the awesome little human being I’ve even been so blessed to meet, but that wasn’t the case. I was dying yet, but at the same time, I wasn’t going to make it to those two tests.

I had to make peace with that. It broke my heart because, I was sort of looking forward to writing those tests and couldn’t understand what was suddenly happening. Deep down I knew that I wasn’t ready, but that too, I had made peace with. As I reflect on all that’s happened, I must say, I’ve been blessed. And I’ll always say this, I love my parents with every inch of my being, I love them to the moon and back. I love them past heaven, I love them from the core of my soul.

Those two human beings have been the greatest gift to me. They have been a blessing that I cannot describe in words. The things they do for me, the sacrifices that they make to ensure that I have everything I need, I must say, my mere thank you isn’t enough. I feel the need to make them proud all the time. Everyday.

I’ve reached a point in my life where the scales have finally fallen off my eyes. I’ve reached a point where I understand the nature of some of the decisions that I make, up to a point that, I think before I do now. Yes, we’re supposed to be young and free, and live life with no limits, because as we know, there’s nothing worse than living with regret. However, do we ever stop to think how those very same ‘live now, live without limits” affect our lives? The difference that those moments make in the long run, despite being ‘happy moments”? From personal experience, I won’t lie. I don’t stop and think about the impact that some of these ‘happy moments’ have on my life.

But not to move away from the topic of my parents being super human beings.

It’s graduation week, and a very special person tome is graduating today, and I can’t help but feel overjoyed by this. I am so proud of him, it feels like I’m the one graduating, and not him. I must say, I’m so inspired by how he perseveres, how he motivates and encourages me to keep pushing. He’s always willing to help me with some of my school work, especially with Accounting (and I love him for that!), and I must say, it’s amazing how people come into your life for a uknown purpose, and then become the epitome of what I call “nougat moments”. God has just been blessing me with so many wonderful people in life, and I am truly thankful.

Awesomest human being (aafter my parents) in the world! He just graduated!

Awesomest human being (aafter my parents) in the world! He just graduated!

Everything is slowly but surely getting back on track, and I’m loving this whole journey of self-discovery. It’s ok to have off-days. You can’t be on a high all the time, and that’s one thing that I’ve been struggling with. I’ve also realized that I can refuse to do something for someone nowadays (not in a bad way). There’s no point compromising yourself, yet you know that at the end of the day things are going to backfire on your side, so the best thing to do, is to not compromise yourself at all.

But I just thought I should do a little update on what’s been happening in life thus far. I’d love to put a huge ink-stain of everything that’s happening in my life at the moment, but Accounting is calling.

Love

S*