When it hurts this much, I wish God would show Himself


There’s so much going through my mind right now, but my heart won’t let me write it all. I just wish I could wake up and this nightmare would be over. When it hurts this much, I wish God would come down and show Himself.

I keep telling myself that, there’s no reason for me to crumble, because there’s someone out there who has it worse, and for five minutes, I forget, but whenever, I’m sitting alone, or if I’m walking on campus alone, it all comes rushing back and I always, almost breakdown into a waterfall of tears, but then again, people won’t understand.

Funny enough, I hate feeling so emotional, because, it feels like a sign of weakness. And you know, people always see this strong person, who alway manages to keep it together, but like so many Facebook posts have mentioned, nothing hides pain better than a smile, and I unfortunately, am a master at that. I’m even afraid of praying these days, because, i just feel like He won’t hear me. At this present moment, a whole lot of things are tugging at my heart, not to mention the fact that, I’m down to five friends. Life is so dark at the moment. And right now, I don’t see the light at the end of the  tunnel.

I guess, I just don’t know anymore. It’s even so difficult to eat these days because I just don’t see the point anymore. But all I know is that, it hurts like no one’s business. As much as I love talking to Binga about such things, I can’t help but feel like it gets a little too much.  It’s gotten so bad that, I can’t even manage to finish a journal entry anymore. I’ve attempted three times but, i just never seem to finish.

Its so hard to focus on the positive things in my life these days, because all the negativity just overshadows everything else. Its just so hard. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with emotion so much so that, I run of breath, and it feels like my heart will just explode out of my chest. Its an internal pain, but feels so physical.

Lord, help!


This is where I draw the line!


It is official! I am sick and tired of trying to be everything to everyone, as if I don’t have my own life that’s clearly full of ups and downs. Some of my friends expect me to jump everytime I’m expected to do something for them, yet, when I need them the most, they’re never there.

This had led me to come to a conclusion that, maybe, my life wasn’t meant to have certain people in it, especially if it means that I’m being used as the ‘back-up plan’ should all else fail with all their other friends. This is me being honest now, I’m tired. I came to varsity for the sole purpose of getting an education, and JUST maybe, JUST maybe, meeting new people and also perhaps meeting my prospective husband (haha :) ), but at the same time, I refuse to be subjected to such abuse by those very same people that call themselves my friends.

Late;y, I’ve come to enjoy my own company. I love my own space, doing all the little things that I love, and just dreaming, and lately, I’ve come to realise just how I’M NOT SUPERWOMAN! This semester is going to be all about listening to my body, because honestly speaking, it gets tired too.

But other than  all of that, it’s time to move on. There’s really no two ways to look at it. It’s time to move on with life, and I mean all aspects. There’s no time to have a past haunting you; that’s why it’s even called a past, so that it can stay in the back of your mind, and so that you can learn from it, but anyway, moving on to more positive things.

I was working at a child development centre this past weekend, and these experiences are always bitter-sweet for me. I met this little girl, with the saddest eyes i’d ever seen, and all I wanted to do was to cup her face in the palm of my hands and tell her that it would be ok. I wanted to give that little girl, all the warmth and love that I could possibly give her, just to remove the sadness in her eyes. The loneliness in her eyes, broke my heart instantly. I almsot broke down in front of that little girl. I desperately wanted to take whatever pain the world had caused her little heart, away. She’s only five.

Just thinking about her, manages to bring tears to my eyes, because, I feel that, no child should ever have to go through something like that at such a young age, and it made me think of Mine. I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be home right now. I just want to go home.

All Sorts of Exciting and Exhausting.


Life has been all sorts of exciting, and exhausting at the same time. I have so much to share.

The elections in South Africa took place on Wednesday May, 7th, and there’s been such a lot excitement in that regard, because a lot of young people were going to be voting fro the first time. I won’t lie, I was excited too, and was so looking forward to the whole experience, that I was one of the very first people at the voting station.

A friend of mine, Vuyo and I decided to walk to the voting station together, because it wasn’t far from where we live. We had to separate though, because people were voting in different venues.

After, I’d voted, I felt so liberated, because, it was my first time voting. It felt so go because I’d taken responsibility for my future and voted. But yes, other than that, I’ve been dreaming about CuppaTea quite a lot. This one time, I dreamt about him, and then when I got to campus the following morning, he said hi to me and was so warm towards me. I was shocked. I dreamt about him a second time, but avoided him on campus the following day.

The stars haven’t mentioned anything about him or anything related to him, but I guess, forgiveness is on the way. But yes, time will tell.

I’d love to write about everything else that’s happening in life right now, but time is not allowing m e to do that. I have a test coming up tomorrow.


Loving you always,


The Assignment from HELL!


I don’t even know where to begin. I am so emotional, and you’d think that it’s over something sad, but in any case, it is sad. I have had the worst two weeks ever (I don’t want to say my life. It’s still a long life). And it’s all because of an assignment.

About two months ago, we were given an assignment on the adoption of environmental management systems within small and medium-sized businesses in the Eastern and Western Cape. As interesting as the assignment topic sounds, the bummer in all of this was that, it was a group assignment. Nonetheless,  I was looking forward to meeting new people and making new friends (it’s not the case right now!) and I was thinking to myself that this could be quite cool, but NO, it was HORRIBLE!

I won’t speak badly about the group members, but I won’t paint them as saints either. They made this the worst two weeks of my life. I was the group leader, so this meant that, it was extra effort on my part, which I didn’t mind, but no, it ended up being ‘MY’ assignment.

That whole expression that says: “There is no ‘I’ in TEAM? HA! What I have experienced is beyond words. I cried because of that assignment. I was supposed to have handed in yesterday, and had completed the assignment and everything, but, as I was about to leave the house to go print, the assignment was gone.  I could not believe it.  I hadn’t been sleeping because of that assignment, and now, all my handwork was gone. I don’t  want to lie, I felt God leave my life at the moment. I couldn’t understand. He had seen how I struggled with that assignment, how it stressed me out, and helped me get through all of that, but still, how could HE allow such a thing to happen.

At some point, I felt like it was a lesson, and usually, I understand why He teaches me some of the lessons that He does, but what happened yesterday, I just wasn’t going to be understanding about it. There was nothing left to do, except start over, which is what I did. I had 3/4 of my original assignment left, which at least meant that i wouldn’t have to start over.

I did the assignment AGAIN. Heart broken and everything, I had to put my pride aside and get on with it. I worked on it during the night, but decide to get some sleep, because I hadn’t slept the night before because of the assignment.

To cut a long story short, I eventually finished the assignment, but as I was about to print, I realised that, the page with my sources, disappeared. Once again! But i wasn’t going to let that get me down. I persevered  and handed in the assignment. I’m a little heart broken about the fact that I didn’t have a source page for the assignment because it means that, whatever I’ve written in that assignment, it can’t be substantiated.

I am just happy to have handed in. A part of me feels like cry ing though. But that’s something for another day. I’d love to go to me Economics class, but the way my body is screaming right now, I’m guessing, I should rather go home, switch off my phone and sleep, because in any case, I’m going to have to work through the long weekend to catch up for all the lectures that I’ve missed and some of the practical work that I need to get done.

Other than that, let me be gone.

Loving you always,



Inspiration. Blessed miracles. #Graduation


God has been so good to me, and you know as human beings, sometimes we don’t seem to understand, or truly appreciate just how much God loves us.

It’s been a hectic period for me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before (or at least I don’t remember mentioning it), but I had a mild stroke about a month ago, and the doctor said that it had happened due to the high levels of stress that  I was under, and that I should try to relax more, which is completely impossible when you have deadlines to attend to, not to mention the amount of studying involved.

This was an awfully terrible time for me, because, on the day of the stroke, I was supposed to have written two tests on that day, but i couldn’t because I was feeling funny. And I had prayed so hard to God at that moment, that you know what, if my life is ending right now, let mine know that I loved him. Let my heart know that he was the awesome little human being I’ve even been so blessed to meet, but that wasn’t the case. I was dying yet, but at the same time, I wasn’t going to make it to those two tests.

I had to make peace with that. It broke my heart because, I was sort of looking forward to writing those tests and couldn’t understand what was suddenly happening. Deep down I knew that I wasn’t ready, but that too, I had made peace with. As I reflect on all that’s happened, I must say, I’ve been blessed. And I’ll always say this, I love my parents with every inch of my being, I love them to the moon and back. I love them past heaven, I love them from the core of my soul.

Those two human beings have been the greatest gift to me. They have been a blessing that I cannot describe in words. The things they do for me, the sacrifices that they make to ensure that I have everything I need, I must say, my mere thank you isn’t enough. I feel the need to make them proud all the time. Everyday.

I’ve reached a point in my life where the scales have finally fallen off my eyes. I’ve reached a point where I understand the nature of some of the decisions that I make, up to a point that, I think before I do now. Yes, we’re supposed to be young and free, and live life with no limits, because as we know, there’s nothing worse than living with regret. However, do we ever stop to think how those very same ‘live now, live without limits” affect our lives? The difference that those moments make in the long run, despite being ‘happy moments”? From personal experience, I won’t lie. I don’t stop and think about the impact that some of these ‘happy moments’ have on my life.

But not to move away from the topic of my parents being super human beings.

It’s graduation week, and a very special person tome is graduating today, and I can’t help but feel overjoyed by this. I am so proud of him, it feels like I’m the one graduating, and not him. I must say, I’m so inspired by how he perseveres, how he motivates and encourages me to keep pushing. He’s always willing to help me with some of my school work, especially with Accounting (and I love him for that!), and I must say, it’s amazing how people come into your life for a uknown purpose, and then become the epitome of what I call “nougat moments”. God has just been blessing me with so many wonderful people in life, and I am truly thankful.

Awesomest human being (aafter my parents) in the world! He just graduated!

Awesomest human being (aafter my parents) in the world! He just graduated!

Everything is slowly but surely getting back on track, and I’m loving this whole journey of self-discovery. It’s ok to have off-days. You can’t be on a high all the time, and that’s one thing that I’ve been struggling with. I’ve also realized that I can refuse to do something for someone nowadays (not in a bad way). There’s no point compromising yourself, yet you know that at the end of the day things are going to backfire on your side, so the best thing to do, is to not compromise yourself at all.

But I just thought I should do a little update on what’s been happening in life thus far. I’d love to put a huge ink-stain of everything that’s happening in my life at the moment, but Accounting is calling.





I want my life back. “Take it back”#21 Birthday :)


Let me start of by saying that, I have amazing friends, an awesome family, and a God that loves me (and He’s been saving my behind, especially with something that I don’t want to mention *embarrasedFace*).

I have had the most amazing 21st birthday ever. My birthday was on the 22 March 2014, on a Saturday, and in South Africa, we celebrate Human Rights day on the 21st, which was on a Friday, therefore, should a public holiday (Human Rights day) fall on a Friday, it’s going to be a long weekend. There was no school on Friday, which made it a super awesome birthday, because I wouldn’t have to wake up early the following day for school.

Anywhow, this is how everything played out.

I met someone awesome from Malawi. He’s an Architecture student, and his name is Chiposi “Felli” Sinalo. This very awesome person took me out to the movies on Friday (pre-birthday vibes). We watched 300- Rise of the Empire. The movie was not the type that I would watch, because it was very violent and there was too much blood, but I laughed so much at the number of times I cringed at the sight of seeing how this other evil, but absolutely goregous woman would slay someone’s head off.

After the movie, we went to one of my favourite places, called the Magic World, which is a gaming arcade. We played a few games there, and contemplated between playing putt-putt golf or going go-carting, but in the end, we didn’t do neither.

We walked around a bit, looking for gifts and other small things, and in the end, we went to Wakaberry, which is FroYo shop in Port Elizabeth. After getting some frozen yogurt, we went to the beach. We got to the beach and chilled on one of the benches, talking, and watching the waves hit the rocks. It was pure bliss. The weather was absolutely to die for. There was a beautiful contrast of gold sun rays and a dash of blue sky as the sun was setting, and a gentle breeze, with that inkling of sea salt in it.

It was the perfect day. We took lots of pictures (which I will post (^^,). After playing in the water for a bit, we went to Spur Steak Ranches for supper, which was an awesome ending to a beautiful day. The setting at the restuarant was so mellow, and there was an atmosphere of laughter, a melancholy atmosphere among friends, who haven’t seen each other in a while, and have finally gotten the chance to catch up over a great meal.

We talked over a cup of tea and had great food too. To end of the evening, we walked home, and got to my apartment, chilled on the sofa, and at 23:59, he did a countdown, and was the very first person to wish me a happy birthday.

Could a girl ask for more?! I dont think soo!

He left after some dancing in my tiny living room.

For my actual birthday (some of my friends forgot!), my parents called and did a duet over the phone, which made me miss home, because I would be getting cake at home and would get to be with my favourite little people in the whole wide world. I miss my family so much, and I thank God every day for  such amazing people. I have the greatest family ever, and they’re so suportive. I had tons of messages from friends, but the one that broke my heart the most, was the message from my oldest brother. I almost broke into tears… (long story :(

It was a chilled, laid back day, filled with movies, laughter, tea and giant red velvet cupcakes. I think it’s safe to say that, I gained atleast 5kg’s from all the food that I ate this weekend. My friends cooked and sang for me , and even got me a red velvet cupcake with a match stick impersonating as a candle. I loved it.

It was the best birthday ever.

Life is amazing. And Love is even better.

The awesome human being, brother and friend :)

Felli and Mphatso (Me)

Felli and Mphatso (Me)

hahahaha! I love life

hahahaha! I love life

We weren't sure whether the camera was taking pictures not! #21

We weren’t sure whether the camera was taking pictures not! #21


You gotta love me :) #21

You gotta love me :) #21







I’d like to finish of by saying this :

HAve an awesome week

Have an awesome week














I love you all

P.S. I’ve been bloated for  4 days. I’m starting to think that it might not be that at all. LOL. Help me solve the mystery.


Life is one thing, but Love is something else…MyCuppaTea


Hi Everyone,


It’s been a young minute since my last visit, and it can be said that, there’s a lot for me to share.

I’m not sure where to begin, but I guess, I’ll have to start somewhere.

After months of CuppaTea and I not talking, and walking past each other on campus, I decided to say hi today. It wasn’t voluntary. It just happened.

The last time him and I spoke, was on the 12 October 2013, and we didn’t part on good terms, and it was actually one of the things that was actually making me nervous about coming back to school, because, honestly speaking, I also played my part in the drift between us. I didnt expect things to be that awkward between us, once we came back to school, but it happened.

I’ve been back at uni for almost two months now, and in that two months, we haven’t said anything to each other. He would walk past me and I’d do the same, but today, I saw  him at the library, and, seeing that we were walking in the same direction, I decided to say something.

It felt amazing. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I said hi to him today. I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that, he might not respond or anything like that. But yes, things between us will never be the same ever again, and I guess, its finally time to move on properly.


I’d love to stay and chat some more, but I need to hury home for something.


Loving you always,